Banter: noun; a verbal way of making contact with no emotional investment and no risk. Often mean-spirited, always self-centered, always sarcastic, and rarely humorous. It's sources seem to be from deep in the testosterone pool, with no gender association.
JoJo's Dictionary of Toxic Behaviors.
Hi Will,
A few years ago, I was engaged in a bantering conversation with a friend. Well into it, I felt myself getting really sick of the whole thing. I stopped and said, "let's you and me make a deal. When we talk, let's talk straight or just skip the whole thing." I don't see this guy often but we've kept the deal. When we do see each other, there's a kind of conspiracy of kindness a deux.
Last night someone made a bantering comment to me and I, spontaneously, ignored him. I wish I hadn't and in the future might well comment on how the banter feels to the banteree. Or, I might....well, see below.
A few weeks ago I wore my kilt to a big dinner and celebration. I received many compliments, including one guy who said, "Not many people could get away with that, but you can." And one guy, one only, said, "I love your dress". I ignored him, too, but did mutter, "asshole" as I left. But quickly came understanding. This fellow is dreadfully insecure and his only way of making connection is through sarcasm and poor wit. He needs friends and doesn't know how to make them.
Maybe a more compassionate response would be to ignore the comment and ask him how he's doing.
I'm done with banter. I'm too old to waste my time with it.
Humor has a place in the world, certainly. But not humor that wounds.
It's cold today, as cold inside as out. This apartment sucks, in that respect. The upside is that I remember, when outside, how much I like cold weather, no matter how defensively I claim the opposite. Another value is that I see that if I move to a cold place, I will make damned sure that my home is air-tight and well heated.
